Vegetarians

There are lots of different kinds of vegetarians. Some vegetarians will eat anything as long as it is a vegetable. Some will eat anything as long as it doesn't involve killing an animal. Some will only eat a vegetable if it doesn't involve killing the plant. These are called fruitarians. You can eat a peach without killing the peach tree, but if you eat a carrot, that carrot is a goner. Eating a fruit is like eating your sweet patootie. You can enjoy the sweet juices without killing the mama.

Some vegetarians only eat free range vegetables, ones that have never been enslaved by evil human masters. Others are more catholic. They will even eat eggs or at least unfertilized eggs. Some will only eat the eggs of free range chickens even though most free range chicken eggs have been fertilized. Some vegetarians even eat free range chickens, but not enslaved chickens. Some drink milk and eat cheese even if it was produced by an enslaved cow or goat. Almost all cows and goats are enslaved in one way or another.

A lot of vegetarians will eat fish, only free range fish of course, but not those caught by bottom dragging nets or long lines with viciously sharp hooks. They only eat fish that are lured into your hands by making loving kissing noises. For some reason, most of the vegetarians that do eat fish won't eat fish eggs. Perhaps killing one fish is okay, but the thought of killing what potentially could be thousands of little fishies is not supportable.

Many of my friends object to eating sausages and other salty luncheon meats. They say, “You don't know what went into that sausage. If you ever visited a sausage making plant, you would never eat meat again!” My idea is this: Most vegans eat grains, only free range grains of course. Now, cows also eat grains and part of that grain goes into making the cow's asshole. So when you eat grains it is the same thing as eating a cow's asshole.

I am the type of vegetarian that will eat anything including vegetables.

P.S. Although I say that I will eat anything, I am not a dog. I do not eat excrement.

The B.S. Diet

Everyone is always worrying about how to lose weight. Now, by the grace of what I will call Dog, sorry I meant God, I was given the fortitude to only eat that which my body actually needs. But I know that there are many out there without that gift. I understand and I am here to help you. Through a combination of serendipity and fortuity, I came upon the idea for a new and amazing diet that is guaranteed to cause substantial weight loss. I have decided to reveal this discovery to readers of this blog absolutely FREE. I want everyone to be able to share my good fortune.

Before I explain the details of this amazingly simple diet, I would like to tell you the story of the origin of this idea. One day I was sitting at home talking with two friends of mine. I will call them Jason and Beth, because those are their names. We were speaking about weight and its gain and loss and Beth said, “I saw a show on TV, it was a health show, and they said that there was a study that proved that if you put olive oil on your bread instead of butter, you would lose weight, because you would eat less bread.” Always trying to be helpful, I said, “I have a better idea. Smear your bread with dogshit and you will eat even less.” “Snork, Snork,” blurted Jason. Beth looked at me and said, “That is so stupid and disgusting.” Then she turned to Jason and said, “Why do men think things like that are funny?” Jason and I just wiggled our eyebrows at each other as if to say, “Who can explain the complicated workings of the mind of a human male?”

It was not long after that conversation that the idea of the Totally B.S. Diet sprang from my mind and was frantically scribbled on to any piece of paper that came to hand; equations, diagrams, health plans and success. This diet has everything. All that you, blog reader, need is a true desire to lose weight. You needn't force yourself to give up all of the delicious things that you love to eat. The diet plan does that for you.

Before I let you in on the secret of this totally fantastic diet, I would like to detail the great results that you will achieve. Remember this plan is absolutely FREE. When you start this plan, on the very first day you will lose 1% of your weight. Think of it. If you currently weigh 800 lbs, you will lose 8 lbs on the very first day. And you will continue to lose 1% of your weight each and every day of your participation in the plan. Now, you might say, “Wait, if I lose 1% of my weight every day then after 100 days I will weigh 0 lbs.” This is where the miracle of modern science comes into play. Many years ago Issak Newton, or someone with a name very similar to that, discovered what some might call the Law of Diminishing Returns. Newton discovered this law after reading about how Aristotle had solved “Zeno's paradox” using the “method of exhaustion.” Basically the law states that you can't get to zero by losing 1% of something, no matter how many times you do it.

This is the magic of this diet. If you would like to know exactly how much you will weigh after 100 days of this plan, take your current weight and multiply it by 0.99 100 times. You will be amazed.

Now is the time for me to reveal the secret of the Totally B.S. Diet. Remember, it is absolutely FREE. When you enter into the plan, you will be provided with a private suite. This suite will contain a king sized orthopedic bed (for the morbidly obese,) a full bath (with shower,) a butcher's scale, a Life Cycle with an integral 100 channel TV, a micro-wave, a fridge stocked with 365 large bottles of boutique spring water and a year's supply of take-one-every-day vitamins. The freezer section of the fridge will contain the key ingredient of the B.S. Diet; 365 individually wrapped portions of Brussels Sprouts. (If you want more, just ring the bell). The certain success of this diet is the nature of Brussels Sprouts. Who could eat them? My God, they are like pale green grunt balls. When you achieve your desired weight, just ring the bell and you will be released.

Remember, blog readers, the diet described above is Totally B.S.

Tablet Technology

My lovely lady is an artist. She uses a notebook computer in her artistic pursuits. At present she is a bit house bound due to a persistent spinal anomaly and she uses the computer for art ideas. I suggested that perhaps she would benefit from using a tablet; the new wonder of the tech world. She was enthusiastic.

I immediately started researching the various possibilities. There are quite a few choices. I researched them all; the iPad, the color eBook readers with the touch screens, the Android things. There are so many. Finally, after considering everything; features, price and the all important trend buzz, I settled on the Etch-A-Sketch. This is apparently the latest in tablet technology. It is used by all holders of high office in the land. The deciding feature was the ability to start afresh with a simple shake and jiggle. The lack of need to charge or change a battery was also of importance to my decision.

My lovely lady was pleased, but did ask about the possibility of a color model. I explained to her that the rumors coming out of Toledo, Ohio were that the Etch-A-Sketch 4G with a full color retina screen was due out next year and that the minute that it hit the shelves I would place one in her beautifully manicured hands. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to make your loved one happy.

Pink Slime

Pink Slime is the new epicurean rage. It is incredible, everywhere you go you hear about Pink Slime. Celebrities are talking it up (not throwing it up.) In the food processing business it is known as ‘lean beef trimmings’. As you might expect, it comes from cows. These cows surely eat grain; therefore, it comes from grain. Good clean wholesome grain; nothing to worry about. However I did have a bit of a scare the other day. I had consumed a delicious hamburger for lunch. Then I was hit with the buzz about Pink Slime. The next day I discovered that my stool was a bit pink and I put it down to Pink Slime. It was quite a shock. How could one get pink stool from eating grain product? It didn’t seem logical. I soon was put right in my thinking. An examination of my stool proved that the pinkness was not from grain nor from lean beef trimmings, but from red beets. As it happens, that same evening my lovely lady had prepared for me an enormous portion of roasted and seasoned red beets as part of a vegan dinner. (As well as a carnivore, I am also a vegan.) And it was the beets that had pinkened my stool. What a relief, Pink Slime is back on my menu.

Uncertainty Index

It has been brought to my attention, through an off planet communication channel, that some brainiacs from Stanford and Chicago Universities have discovered the Uncertainty Index. I hear you say, “But that was discovered a long time ago by some German Guy!” Actually the German Guy discovered something different. He discovered the Uncertainty Principle which says that at the finest and smallest level of things, you can't be certain of anything. But at higher levels, as is well known, we can still be certain of death and taxes.

This new Uncertainty Index, which is not to be confused with the Volatility Index or the Pessimism Index, is a quantitative measure of the uncertainty in the public mind caused by inconsistencies in government policy. If you think that 'quantitative measure' and 'government policy' shouldn't be used in the same sentence, just remember I was not an English major. The gist of the research is that the present uncertainties in the near future caused by inconsistent governmental policies related to tax breaks and pork barrel handouts to special companies have caused American companies to hoard their unseemly profits in their mattresses and not invest them in the American economy. Thus causing the Great Recession. Or maybe it was the Great Recession that caused the uncertainty. I am not too certain about that.

The main positive result of this new announcement is that the pundits and comedians now have something new to talk about. The Republicans and their in-house comedians on the FiveFoxyFriends show claim that President Obama and his minions are responsible for the current uncertainty and the Great Recession. The Democrats and their in-house comedians on the DailyReport claim that it is all the fault of ex-Pres George W. and the current Republican led congress. Only history will tell who wins in the end; certainly not the American people.

My first thought

I'm thinking that I just created a blog.